I think this is one of the funniest things I have ever read!!!
Stun Gun...........
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a Pocket Taser Stun Gun for their
anniversary submitted this as a 'short' story for his alumni newsletter.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs...
AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?! !??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if
I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.??
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no
possible way!"?? What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumb-a--," reasoning
that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't
hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just
for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm
pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it
again, stupid, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*%#...
That hurt like **% !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return!!
P.S.
My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!
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That came in my email and I couldn't resist. Guess what I bought yesterday. New batteries for my stun gun. No, I didn't test it on myself. I know it works because it's ben used on someone before and I have no desire to be writing experiences like the one above.
Chasing my driverless car around an ice civered parking lot, while so drunk I couldn't walk, is bad enough and stupid enough.
